‘In Utero’
30 yrs ago on Sept 21, 1993 Nirvana released ‘In Utero’.
This record is considerably more raw and emotional compared to the heavily produced ‘Nevermind’ that came out two years prior. This was Nirvana’s third and final studio album before Kurt Cobain’s passing in 1994.
In honor of the anniversary, I wanted to create a tribute for one of my favorite albums & share about the significance it’s had on my life.
I was a huge Nirvana fan all throughout high school. I have no idea how it happened, I listened to them while growing up… but once my teenage angst fully kicked in, I latched on quick and tight. Even though Bleach has such a satisfying Seattle grunge sound, In Utero will continue to win over my sad 15 year old heart time and time again. It’s personally some of my favorite song writing and drumming from Nirvana. It has heavy tones of anguish with the right amount of “fuck you” addressed directly to their quickly gained fame. They had a goal of embracing the non-commercial and stomping out any overproduced pop residue Nevermind might’ve left behind. Pair that with their active choice of leaving out their label in the recording process, they truly didn’t give any fucks beyond the art itself and I admire those decisions. The album is melancholy and a mournful account of Kurt’s pain and what was quickly to follow.
As a teen I read all of Kurt’s journals (which now I hate the thought of them ever being published) but back then I felt so seen by how fucked up & depressed he was. He was so loud about it on those sketchbook pages, in his art and songs… I really respected that. I even wrote “If you read, you’ll judge” on my sketchbooks like he had on his. I was undiagnosed, unmedicated & after a certain point during highschool I had ran away from home. (Imagine baby Sam listening to ‘Something in the Way’ under a bridge LMAO) Music has always been a reliable constant when I had so few in other aspects of my life.
Sept 2013 I got my first tattoo which is based off the In Utero cover art right when the 20th anniversary of this album occurred. So much has happened in the last 10 years. I’m much more tattooed now lol, but also I’m medicated, in therapy and 28 years old. For so long the idea of being older than 27 felt strange… Kurt was one of the few references I held onto when it came to aging while being so mentally unwell. A few years after I left home, I was drowning under the weight of realizing my depression wasn’t going away. (I can reassure everyone that I understand how trauma & recovery work now lol) I definitely thought my life was just gonna feel like that forever. The first two decades of being alive were overwhelmingly painful and I didn’t have much hope that it could possibly get better. Being stuck in survival/fight or flight for so long never gave me the luxury of planning or being optimistic about my future. Thankfully I’m still around. Turning 28 felt significant, I don’t think I ever really thought about my future in terms of being older than Kurt ever was. Feels a tad silly to say that about someone I never knew. Now I can see he was a celebrity and artist I put a lot of my unguided teenage faith into. Which is almost everything he didn’t want… ironic, I know. My teenage self really needed that raw representation and I don’t blame her for finding it in someone so emotionally candid. I’m thankful for the role that he played in my life. I have a more mature appreciation for him these days since healing many parts of myself. Kurt was a depressed role model I looked up to as a teen, now I can see he was really just a hurt kid trying his best to figure his shit out through his art. (Aren’t we all?)
As I’ve gotten older I lean more towards Alice in Chains when I’m feeling angsty & want some Seattle grunge. Listening to Nirvana, specifically In Utero, gives heavy memories of being a teen & going through the hardest years of my life. I’m forever thankful I had this record growing up. I’m thankful that people share their pain & struggles with their art. Teenage me is forever thankful that Nirvana existed, that Kurt existed. I’m excited to see where I am in another 10 years.
A big thank you to my partner @matefeedart for helping me shoot and edit this project. I had this roughly planned for over a year and it’s really awesome to see it fully realized with so much love.
I was running through a few of different visions for this shoot. At first I was thinking about doing a body paint of the Transparent Anatomical Manikin (TAM) on myself and shooting on location in the desert. I ended up with the final idea of doing a stop motion-ish collage piece. Mate and I just got a studio together and this was the first thing we shot in the space. We spent an afternoon setting up and trying to pose me in the exact position of the figure. (I was very sore the next day lol) Mate came up with the idea of having a somber in frame entrance and dramatic exit, which definitely took a lot of takes for me to get comfy with. Mate collected all the photos we took, put them in a loop and from there we edited on top of them. I used Kurt’s artwork on some of the frames, I knew I wanted to have fun with the wings and definitely needed to add a heart shaped box. Getting to flex some animation muscles I’ve never touched before was pretty cool. Mate is really talented in that area so I thank him for really carrying the team on the animating. All together I’m so happy with how it turned out… it feels like a proper 2023 tribute to In Utero.
Having a partner who is also so passionate about art. Getting to do creative projects that teenage me would think is cool as fuck. Being able to compare where I was mentally during the 20th anniversary vs the 30th. All these things are nice reminders of how much I’ve grown (thanks therapy) and also how some things stay the same (*cough* my teenage angst). Getting the time to reflect is something I’ll never take for granted. Music, specifically In Utero, has done so much for my life.
Cheers to this special anniversary and thanks for celebrating with me.
